Not crazy about BiPAP

Day 7

All day long I felt like crying. In fact I did. I am tired of all this! Can I say that? Well I am. I have had it. No more, thank you very much. Ava has had a rough day, the nurses were very unfeeling and unhelpful, and more problems keep popping up. I will spare the details, but will just say that Ava is having an even harder time getting oxygen than before her surgery. They say it might be because of pain and post surgery, but it could be longer term. They have put her on bipap because her carbon dioxide levels are high, but she really doesn't like it. We are doing what is best for her, but I still can't help feel like we are torturing her in some way. Irrational as that may be. I dream of the day when our blogs won't be so heavy. I know I need to be more optimistic. I know it's just not helpful to focus on the negative. Where your focus is, determines your reality. It determines your whole experience. There is just so much pain pulling me back to the negative, so it's very hard. Let me try to be positive for a moment and see what it does: I have a wonderful husband who helps me with everything (even washing my pumps), I have a beautiful daughter who is so pure and loving, we were able to get this surgery done from the man who invented it, we have good insurance, we have so many friends and family who care and have been very supportive, the Ronald Mcdonald house lets us stay here for practically free (and it is in a beautiful old mansion), Morgan and I have our health( we never realized what that meant until now), we have everything we need and more, and we know what the purpose of life is. As hard as that is to accept. I have really struggled feeling close to Heavenly Father for a long time, and with all of this pain we have experienced with Ava, I sometimes feel like I don't know what anything really is. Like everything is nothing, if that makes any sense, But, in my more true moments, the moments I really come to myself, I know there is something much bigger than me and even bigger than all pain. I would be ungrateful to not say that. Heavenly Father is doing more for our family than we know. But, it is intensely difficult to move forward and we will keep going. We don't have another option. I just let my thoughts go. It felt good. Goodnight.